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Hated People
Harry Kewell Why we hate him: Perpetual playing dodger. ‘Oooh you got me right on the gout’. Hated is a strong word but that's the category… Harry's able, from time to time, to play a bit. But a bit just don't cut it. How long has he been taking it handy in an Australian manor? Since World Cup '06: 9 months, and any sign of returning to earn wages? He got gout, forcing him to miss the Socceroos being squeezed out of the World Cup by Italy in the final kick of the game of their last-sixteen match. He did have his glory (no. 10 shirt on, emblazoned all over the sports pages) though, bundling the ball over the line to equalise 2-2 with Croatia. Prior to this 'dream', he had also somehow got the nod from Benitez to start in Istanbul '05 (well not really all that 'somehow', this is Benitez after all), then tore his adductor muscle in the first half and wimpled off. 'Pool should have hired some muscle-to-abduct-her off of the wage bill (referential to the slicked back hair-do lads, with the ponytail but not all of the hair in a ponytail, only the top of the head's hair –ODF: we get ya John). What a trendsetter of a tattoo to get on your wrist and the rumour has it that he drew the tribal thing himself. Harold is officially an artist no less. So far this season 06/07, since the World Cup, Harry hasn't pulled on a Liverpool jersey except probably to check if the new adidas kit's collar allows his hair to flow as he so crucially likes it to. Also of course to make sure the sleeves cuff doesn't hamper the art on his wristy hand. He did bag himself a nice looking missus, in the shapely shape of an Emmerdale actress and she seems content to swallow all of his gump. Leading us on nicely to Harold 'Kool' – in his element when MTV Cribs came to his house to see how many 'mates' could be squeezed in/accommodated at their dinner table, how his cars sparkle and of course a horribly purple pool table. Right, enough. I am aware that when on the ball and fit and confident, Harry was a cracking player for Leeds back at the turn of the century and was rewarded by being named PFA Young Footballer of the Year. He'd be constantly on Goal Of The Month with big whopping left foot lacers screaming into the net from all sorts of ranges. He had speed, great dribbling talent and seemed to enjoy playing which endeared this Aussie to a lot of football supporters. Man Utd, Chelsea, Arsenal and others were supposedly all after Kewell but he joined Liverpool who he supported from all the way over in Oz as small 'Arry. The deal to Liverpool was dodgy with large sign-on fees and his agent getting a huge slice of it. In 05, 'Arry took Gary Lineker to court relating to a slagging off he received over his move to Liverpool by the Match of the Day presenter in his Sunday Telegraph column. It was settled out of court but Lineker was spannered as it came out in court that he didn't actually write his own column, only had ghost-writer do it for him. How 'Arry must have chuckled at Links, and then made him a Tayto sandwich. It shouldn't be held against Harry that he contracted gout. The "The Disease of Kings" as it came to be known; for it was usually lazy men who indulged in an ongoing lack of physical activity and a diet of overindulgence in rich foods and alcohol. In all fairness, Alfred Lord Tennyson suffered from it too and he was alright, though he also grew his hair long but thankfully avoided the ponytail (incorporated from only the top of the head's hair) but then he was a poet and a bit of a lord so he could get away with it… The thing is, players on the up – constantly with something to prove, to themselves and to the integrity of the game of football itself, who show the need to perform and emit enthusiasm that all supporters tune in to watch – should have that attitude all through their career. Harry Kewell is 28 now, the gout has turned into septic arthritis of the left foot apparently so shouldn't he be let be to concentrate on regaining health in his foot that was known as 'a leftie that's as sweet as a cup of coffee containing twenty-odd heaps of sugar'? Yes, but he would want to get his Hummer out of his arse and get out on that pitch for his beloved Liverpool, because the team Benitez is slowly building won't have much room for a thirty year old left winger when there are young lightning Chileans there to do the business. 'Arry. Your call cobber.
John Dowling
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