Frank Lampard

Why we hate him: Pompous ‘midfielder’ who no longer has a grasp on reality. Fat Frank: I really hope this is true. England training camp, February 2006 and the squad are sitting down for their lunch. Fat Frank Lampard plops down and eyes Joey Barton as he enters the canteen, Barton of course had only weeks before offered his eloquent and, let’s face it highly accurate, assessment on the decision of Steven Gerrard and Lampard to release their autobiographies just after a poor World Cup (Barton: “I went to the World Cup, I played shit, here’s my book”)

Lampard’s tournament being summed up as ‘shit’ could even be considered light criticism compared to some of the reports that came out following England’s exit to Portugal. Looking like a little boy lost the whole way through, he shot wildly at goal 24 times in five games and missed every one of those. Not a deflection in sight to save grace; how he missed the Premiership.

Anyway, back to the canteen where Barton tried to head over to Frank to make some peace and perhaps discuss it like grown adults. But as he sat near Frank, the Chelsea man (it is rumoured) moved a few more seats down. Then Barton again tried to sit near the sulking git, but once again Lampard moved, at which point Barton told him (allegedly) to calm down as “I’m not going to steal your food you fat prick”.

Like I said, I really hope this is true. Because if somebody, somewhere is making Frank Lampard look like the complete gimp he clearly is, then we here at Okeydokefootball are really behind them.

Frank has a history of sulking when food is about though. Many will remember his torrid tale of how he was out for dinner one night with his cousin Jamie Redknapp and Arsenal keeper Jens Lehmann sat only a few tables down. Fat frank didn’t like the fact that Lehmann ignored the little lamb and his Sky Sports-whore ‘cuz’. Jens didn’t say a thing; not even an apology for also questioning the wisdom of players writing a book before they even hit their late twenties.

Frank was disgusted that the bonkers German goaltender (to use George Gillett’s phrase) didn’t talk to them, when all he wanted was some recognition “whether nice or rude”.

Recognition you see may well be Frank’s biggest problem. He has two league medals; he has been runner-up in World Player of the Year (actual quote – “there’s no higher honour” – eh…. yeah there’s definitely one higher Frank) and has been one of the highest scoring midfielders of the last decade anywhere in Europe’s top leagues.

Yet people still question his ability, to which he says it doesn’t bother him and “I only have to prove things to myself”. But you get the feeling it does, whether it’s over-analysis or he just gets depressed; whenever he pulls on an England shirt he looks uneasy as he has still to prove himself at that level. And no, qualifiers don’t count, even though I can’t even remember a good performance in any of them either.

He can’t play in the same midfield as Steven Gerrard who, for my money (yes I’m a ‘Pool supporter but even so) is a far superior player, and this simple anomaly will hold England back until they have a manager who’s willing to tell Frank he can’t play. So buckle up for few more years misery then if you’re from Essex, Exeter or even East Ham.

At club level he needs Claude Makelele and Michael Essien to cover his tracks as he “likes to have two holding players behind” so he can bomb forward. Gerrard doesn’t need that.

You know why Frank?

Because he’s a f**king midfielder.

You on the other hand play generally in the 30-40 yards between the centre circle and the opposing box whacking any ball that comes into sight – including free kicks.

The system at Chelsea suits Lamps down to the ground, though again he has run into trouble trying to play with Michael Ballack. The World-class German captain may well be a victim of his club’s bizarre midfield tactics this year but he seems to have been told in no uncertain terms to curb his own attacking instincts; to hold back and let Lampard well… bomb on forward.

Frank wants the world to revolve around him so when he plays for anyone other than Chelsea he is bound to suffer. His little world has no room for irony either. This is the man who said that players such as Lehmann and Barton shouldn’t be talking about other players (ie him) in public. He said this in an interview for a national newspaper, naming both players….

Logic train… ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding… flying past ya there Frank, it’s just not going to stop at all.

Then there’s the personal side to Frank. A man who once made a sex tape with his a few ladies and his mates; the equally charming Rio ‘Duck Bill’ Ferdinand and Kieron ‘Out for another few weeks boss’ Dyer in Ayia Napa a few years back.

Video footage of the incident obtained by Channel 4 showed Lovely Lamps wondering where to put his bottle of Bud and figuring that inside one of the ladies might work. While one of the others was heard to shout from a room “Oi Lamps you shoot yet?”. Nice lads.

Now, we at Okeydokefootball are hardly paragons of virtue but that ain’t going to stop us laughing at Lampard. It might be a more accepted position if some corners of the English press still didn’t shamefully build him up as an upstanding, wonderful individual who has oceans of talent.

The BBC in particular is shockingly bedazzled by him, though that may be Garth Crooks looking for a new David Beckham to warm up to during those cold international friendly weeks. Speaking of which…

Real Madrid supporters recently voted for the player they’d most like to see at their club and, would you believe it, Fatso Lampard came top. The perfect fit really, a player out of touch with reality for a bunch of fans that are easily fooled. The sooner he leaves the Premiership the sooner Ballack, Lehmann, Barton and even Gerrard will breathe a sigh of relief. After all, under the current England regime Real Madrid midfielders with an inflated opinion of themselves have been outlawed haven’t they?

If I was English I’d be hoping Second Choice Steve McClaren sticks by his ‘Beckham’ policy and dumps Frank should he move to La Liga. He won’t though, and they’ll go out in quarterfinals of the next tournament. Fat Frank, head in hands once more, will be wondering why the final chapter of his next shit book will once again be covered in ultimate failure. Oh how we will laugh.

JJ Worrall